Saturday was my brother's birthday. I didn't remember until late in the day. The last time he was at a family event was Christmas, 1989. Tyler was just over a year old. In a few months, Tyler will be 27.
Even though Jeff and I weren't biologically related, we had a special "adopted" relationship. Sure we went through a time when we hated each other. I called him an idiot (or something equally derisive) and he kicked in glass-paned door in our basement. I still have the scar acquired when we were cleaning out the broken glass from the frame. He broke his hand when he hit me on the hip bone in the swimming pool. Who would have guessed that those scars would be minor compared to the ones to come later.
We grew closer in high school and college. He gave me away at my wedding (Dad was officiating). After Kate arrived, Jeff took great pride in being an uncle. He was great with her and she loved him.
Then, in what seemed like a blink of an eye, things changed. He was practicing law in a small community north of KC and one day this girl showed up and moved in with him. Apparently they met in law school and had been dating, but we were none the wiser.
I'm not going to get into all the gory details (and there are some lulus, believe you me!), but eventually she gave him an ultimatum...it was either us or her.
I know there are many of my friends who've had estrangements in their family and I know firsthand how difficult and painful it can be. My mom and I used to spend hours and hours - seriously, ask Ron - dissecting the events that lead to the separation, trying to analyze what went wrong. We never figured it out and, over time, realized that we never would. We haven't talked about it in years.
Tyler has never known Jeff. Kate has fond childhood memories, but nothing past the age of six.
I've reached out to him numerous times, imploring him to come see my parents, especially in light of my dad's failing health. I've gotten no response.
He does keep in touch with my parents occasionally. Father's Day, Mother's Day, birthdays. It kills me to think that they might not get to see him again before they're gone.
But me? Nothing. Apparently he has "issues" with me. Now, I could understand if we'd had an ongoing relationship during which I could have given him plenty to find issue with. But, really? I don't know what I've done. And I'm done trying to figure it out.
I once sought the counsel of a pastor when I was having a particularly rough time dealing with this. I think it was shortly after I learned that Jeff had become a father (a niece I've never met). This wise man listened to me and said, "Janet, you can only clean up your side of the street. The other side is his responsibility."
Oh, the freedom those words brought. I knew I had done everything I could to mend the relationship. But Jeff hadn't/hasn't reciprocated. I think it's his loss. And mine, too. I miss my brother.
But...after all these years...so many important milestones come and gone without the benefit of familial celebration. So much life lived. I'm not sure how it would go. I'm not sure if I want it to "go."
If any of you reading this live in Jefferson City and see him and want to smack him upside the head, you have my blessing.
And tell him to go see his parents.
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