I blame it on this month's cover of Vogue, which arrived at our home last week. It has a picture of Dakota Johnson on it and I have no idea who she is, but I do know (because it's right there in black and white) that she's in the upcoming film adaptation of "Fifty Shades of Grey."
I also blame it on Showtime's "The Affair."
Blame what, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It was first a discussion just between me and Kate, and then Ron came in, so I dragged him into it and two hours later Tyler came over so I dragged him (quite unwillingly, I might add...at least at first) into this discussion of SEX.
Because I've lived over five decades and have been a keen observer of human behavior and have read a lot of books and watched a lot of television and movies, I feel completely qualified to make these very general statements.
I got through about a third of the way through "Fifty Shades" before I chucked into my nightstand drawer. I've watched four or five episodes of "The Affair" and I told Kate this weekend I wasn't sure I could finish it.
Why?
Because both portray an absolutely ridiculous and fantastical (root word "fantasy") version of what the male/female sexual relationship actually is. And there's the whole adultery thing, too ("The Affair"). Which is really my main complaint, but the whole sex thing is more titillating.
Can we be honest? I will admit that perhaps in the first days and months of a relationship, sex can be quite charged with eroticism. Hell, it may continue in that vein for a year or two or more, but quite frankly it's been so long that Ron and I have heard waves crashing on the shore or seen fireworks shooting into the night, that I might just be jaded about the whole thing.
Don't get me wrong. Ron and I have a healthy, thriving sex life. Although Ron would probably ask me to define "healthy" and "thriving."
But I don't think I'm far off the mark. I think books and movies that glamorize sex as wild, crazy and insatiable romps in multiple locations in one 24-hour period are doing great damage to the normal, REAL sex lives of Jane and John Doe. I think it's a setup for failure and disappointment for most long-term relationships. And I think it creates a perfect storm for affairs to take root and grow into really dangerous and damaging situations.
I'm not saying that discerning adults are unable to differentiate between fantasy and reality. I'm saying that these forms of media that are constantly bombarding us are basically brow beating us to want what we don't have.
But is it really what we want?
Is there any woman out there who really believes that getting banged (literally and figuratively) against a bedroom wall is pleasurable? I saw that recently in "The Affair" and it didn't make me ache with passion. It made my lower back hurt.
What I want is an intimacy that transcends the actual mechanics of sex. I would go so far as to say that I think most women want that. Men? Not being one, I don't feel qualified to answer, but I'll go ahead and say not so much. Case in point...
So, as I'm having this conversation with Kate (who kept yelling, "MOM!" when I'd divulge anything the least bit personal about Ron and me), I went on to explain that the unfettered reciprocal dynamics of these cataclysmic love scenes are also completely unrealistic.
At this point Ron came in from the garage so I decide to use (aka entrap) him in defense of my emerging theory. I asked him if he thought, on average, that men - unless schooled or encouraged or nagged - would voluntarily put the needs of their partner above their own. "Nope," was his answer. Tyler concurred.
There you have it.
I remember making a small suggestion to Ron during an intimate moment and he did not like it one bit. OK, so it was probably more like an instruction manual, not a small suggestion. We both took notes.
I was talking to my friend, Kim, about this whole difference in hard wiring in men and women and she said that it was one of the questions she has for God, when it's her turn in line. Why is this most important relationship between men and women so often fraught with anxiety and ambiguity ? Why are we so, so different?
My answer? In the beginning, we were told told to go forth and multiply. God gave man a strong sex drive to make sure the seed(s) was planted. God gave woman the capacity to nurture the seed and make it thrive.
My question to God? Why isn't there an "off" switch on the guys? Or at least a "pause" button.
Post Script: If you want a frank, scientific and clinical discussion on all matters of sex, YouTube "Sex Talk With Sue"...she's a very educated, grandmotherly-type woman who pulls no punches and cannot be shocked by anything her callers throw at her. It's a very matter-of-fact discussion about this sometimes very touchy subject. Think Dr. Ruth on steroids.
Next time...my five favorite foods
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