the talk

I'm not sure which was harder...the "talk" with my kids about sex or the "talk" with my parents about their future plans.  Since I just had the latter conversation a few weeks ago, I'm going with that discussion being the most difficult.

I'd been putting it off for quite awhile, but the recent passing of a dear friend's mother and hearing of his journey made me realize that time is not on my side in this situation.

A little back story...Mom is 87 and dad is 86.  After dad retired many years ago, they moved to a lovely mountaintop home overlooking Beaver Lake in Rogers, Arkansas.  After about ten years of loving life in the Ozarks, they received wise counsel from friends that if they were contemplating another move to an official retirement community they should do so when THEY were still capable of making that decision for themselves.  After much deliberation they chose to move to Brookdael, a wonderful community in Raymore, MO (formerly Foxwood Springs).  They have a whole snorkel of retired pastor friends there and it offers graduated care...from independent home living, to apartments to full-time residential care. They settled right in and we love having them so nearby.

Several years ago, dad's health began to decline.  He's had macular degeneration for many years and his vision has continued to deteriorate.  He knows us by the sound of our voices, but watching TV, reading and crossword puzzling is no longer possible.  He also has Parkinson's, which has weakened him significantly...he's tired all the time (he calls himself feeble) and doesn't understand (or won't accept) that weakness and Parkinson's go hand-in-hand.  Add to that increasing dementia, multiple physicians, constant fine-tuning of medications and the new discovery that he has almost zero testosterone and it's a situation that's rapidly deteriorating. It is extremely difficult to see my dad - an invigorating, dynamic, huge persona who had a remarkable career in ministry, politics and education - in such distress, sadness and resignation.  It truly breaks my heart.

Mom, on the other had, is doing fairly well.  She can't hear worth a darn and is a fine example of procrastination when it comes to getting hearing aids.  Judging by the blank stares she gives us because she can't hear what's been said and the resultant clarification by my dad, I'm guessing there's a fair amount of shouting heard on a daily basis in their home.  She also has some issues that she's just not addressing, and I'm sure it's because she doesn't feel like she can attend to herself because dad requires so much of her attention.  She is carrying the burden for his care and every time we visit I can see signs of increased stress and strain on her.

I have repeatedly offered my help and we go visit them several times a month and talk regularly, but they (and by "they" I mainly mean my sweet mama) are bound and determined to be independent until they draw their last breaths.  That would be my hope as well.  But, I'm afraid it's not their reality.

It's a very tricky situation.

More on the "talk" and what's happened since...next time...