the talk...continued

First, thanks for all the kind words of support and empathy for this situation.  I know that I am just one of perhaps millions who are navigating these tricky waters.  It's a huge comfort to know that others have walked the same path.

Second, all of the comments about trusting your kids to do right by you makes me realize I need to seriously dial back my "mommy dearest" tendencies before the dye is permanently cast.  Alas, that ship has probably already sailed.  (I've made it a goal to see how many cliches I can effectively use in this post.)  Actually, Kate and Tyler are right there with us as we experience the many layers of this transition and I'm confident they're taking notes...at least I hope they are.  Recently I watched a really fascinating and moving documentary entitled "Alive Inside."  It chronicles the efforts of Dan Cohen, the founder of the non-profit organization Music & Memory (you can view it on Netflix).  The project provides memory loss patients with iPODS filled with music of their generation.  The reaction of patients when they hear the music of their prime is really very remarkable.  I told Kate the kind of music I'd want to hear if I ever got to that point (she said, "Not if, mom...when), but now neither one of us can remember what it is.  Not a good omen.

Back to the "talk"...I called mom and told her that Ron and I would like to come over to discuss their long-term goals and plans and she was receptive.  I then compiled a list of questions to ask, so notebook and cheat sheet in hand, we headed out into the great unknown.

I began by telling them that Ron and I both want to respect all of their wishes as they relate to their future, but that in order for us to do that, we need to know what those wishes are.  Long story short...they really have not made any long-term plans.  They want to stay in their home as long as possible and know which options are available, but have not determined a benchmark as to what would compel them to take the next step.

Next I asked about funeral arrangements.  This part they have given some thought to.  They both want to be cremated and scattered under a beautiful sugar maple in the field behind their home, which I'm pretty sure cannot happen.  Perhaps the most poignant moment of the discussion was when I asked dad if he had any particular scripture in mind.  Keep in mind that most days he can't remember what he had for breakfast or what they watched on TCM the night before.  Without missing a beat he said, "John 14...Let not your hearts be troubled.  Believe in God, believe also in me.  In my Father's house are many rooms..." and went on to quote the first four verses verbatim (but in the King James version).  My notes became very blurry and hard to read at that point.

Finally, I asked them about financial issues (OK, here it comes, says my mom).  Other than having a will and trust in place, not a lot has been done.  They want to make a few changes in their will and are under the impression that their accountant can do that for them...I've found that if they "like" the person (doctor, accountant, nurse, delivery person, receptionist) those persons suddenly become all-knowing, all-capable, invincible beings.  I told them that an attorney was necessary to make changes to a will (I'm right, right?).

I felt much less confident leaving than I had upon arrival.  I thought surely they had been acquainted with some of these formalities what with all the passings they've witnessed over their years at Foxwood.

But no.

I'm pretty sure Mom only heard half of what was being discussed and I can't rely on Dad to remember all the details.  So, a couple of weeks later, I made up a "to do" list.  When I was young, mom's primary responsibility on Saturday mornings was to make me such a list, so I thought what's good for the goose...My list included everything we'd talked about, plus I added a few in for fun...empty the dishwasher, clean and dust your bedroom (both of which really irritated my mom until she realized I was just kidding).  The last thing on every single one of my Saturday chore lists was "be nice to your mother."  So I ended mine the same way, edited, of course, to direct the niceness my way.

Since the "talk" not much has changed.  I did go to a doctor's appointment with dad when mom was feeling under the weather (armed with her list of questions for the doctor...her inquiring mind is a thing of beauty and exasperation for those under fire...and will be explored in a future post), and mom has started ordering groceries from HyVee for home delivery.  They have a cleaning lady who comes twice a month, but the day before mom scurries around to tidy up and throws stuff in the garage so it won't put it away where she can't find it.

In the end...I have miles to go before I sleep.  But that's okay.  The more miles, the longer I'll have mom and dad with me.

(And if you're counting, I think there were eight.)

Next time...a story about a dog, a prayer vigil and how wildly different Ron and I assess the same situation... after ten years, still makes me laugh 'til I cry and still makes Ron get a little miffed at me.